A Daughter's Role in Matriarchy
denying martyrdom to focus on inheritance.
Because preparation is everything.
In observing how Daughters keep the family close to Momma, it’s a running joke that no one wants to be Dad’s side of the family. Now I’m specifically speaking to African American culture here, and how children are generally raised within the hierarchies of the family dynamic. We know generally, the responsibility for maintaining good relationship among the family falls to the Wives and Daughters.
You have Daughters, especially First Daughters, with the expectation to become caregivers to elders and the sick. Their homes became the foundation for family gatherings because holding down the kitchen and home while husbands were on the grill and boys played on the game became an expectation, therefore a rite of passage, and inevitably the holders of family recipes.
We observe the divorced or separated Mother, vs the divorced or separated Father, and their efforts towards maintaining good relationship within the family. The felt responsibility and support required is inherently different, because the role of the Son and Daughter are different. Dad drops the kids off with family for caregiving or to ensure the kids get family time. This is amazing, but different from the Mother who picks up Grandma or Aunty and takes her out and about with the kids to grocery shop for those large family gatherings or run errands. Examples like this showcase how the role of Fathers, even while present, may not encourage the same level of intimacy and relationship-building between family dynamics as Mothers because their roles in family functions and gathering don’t require it.
Hell, even in families in which the parents are together. Traditional Wife/Mother/Husband/Father roles on top of (let’s just assume for this scenario) the traditional relationships and responsibilities with Grandparents, how did we ever confuse naming this family structure as patriarchy? Because misnaming it allowed harm to slip in the back door unaccounted for, eventually swapping the role of matriarch for martyrdom in the name of a corrupted blueprint. Which brings us to the question of then how did this corrupted blueprint named patriarchy become a foundation, something to strive for and tell younger generations THIS IS WHAT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, CAREERS, HOUSEHOLDS, AND LEISURE ACTIVITIES WILL CONSIST OF?
Generations before us lived a reality in which Papa worked endlessly and gave a check to Meemaw to keep the family affairs in order. Even with societal limitations of not being able to own a bank account or credit line, buy a house, or work jobs that put real money on the table - we intrinsically knew who ran shit within the household, the glue that kept kids fed, men fucked to face another hard day of labor, and who was praying endlessly over our bloodline. We call it Grandma’s house for a reason!!
This assumption means we also know who’s being prepared for this role of keeping shit running, aka the role of matriarch, whether we acknowledge, invest in, and protect this person or not.
Matriarchy is our default, as we’ve seen time and time again through Jim Crow, redlining, enslavement, reconstruction, a post-Obama era and beyond. Even now, with Project 2025 antics displacing over 600,000 Black women from the workforce - those paying attention know where our community is being targeted and why.
So as society changes and women are accessing financial stability our Grandmas didn’t have, this is allowing men the opportunity to step up as more than just a body meant for labor and handing over a check. Fuck ya’lls relationship podcasts and endless COINTELPRO-head ass think pieces. Men are doing the work!They are healing, observing how to better support us, and wanting to do family and community on purpose. I’ve seent it with my own eyes, and it’s so beautiful.
And yes, Black women were raised to not leave our men behind, but we’re also not stupid and subjecting ourselves to abuse or more labor while men go through their reckoning. Ya’ll love to say we’re not our Grandmas as a standard of putting in the work and what kept the marriages strong for so long, not paying attention to Grandfathers that were somehow poisoned, mysteriously end up dead, or just never heard from again. I personally am Sheila’s Granddaughter, who held a gun up to my Grandfather as he approached the porch, telling him to take one more step and she’d shoot him dead where he stood because of his bullshit. Our matriarchs protected life and SURROUNDED THEMSELVES WITH GOONS, AKA MEN DOING THE MUHHFUCKIN WORK. Because RIPieces to her second husband, whom her brothers and cousins fucked up so badly the minute he decided to step outside his lane. So when conversations come up about leaving men to do this work by themselves, I keep my mouth shut. Ya’ll can have it - we’re building whole communities over here and everybody gon eat.
Because I’m selfishly also incredibly excited to see what men’s healing means for our Daughters.
Imagine Daughters who get to grow up sharing caregiving and household responsibilities with their brothers. Daughters who get the space to heal themselves and live actualized lives before taking their rightful throne of matriarch. Truly imagine the structure that supports the health of shared responsibilities in our families in joy, not forced obligation.
Stay with me now.
We are setting a new tone for our family legacies. Many women are choosing to not have kids, many are accelerating their path into eldership because they already manage the finances, the wisdom, the archives, and the joy, many are dragging their mothers along by being shining examples of how to slow down, say no, feed themselves regularly, and ensure they are nourished before laying their entire being down at the altar of legacy.
Family legacies deserve whole Daughters, prepped and ready for her inheritance to lead, fiercely protect through her intuition, and give birth to WHATEVER it is that will propel the family forward, whether that’s children, businesses, financial freedom, or just freedom in general.
Family legacies deserve Sons who actively participate and understand their role in lineage preservation and longevity outside of just getting someone pregnant. We deserve Sons who understand what it means to be in tune with the needs of the family, and how to use their intuition to support without having to be told, begged, or forced. Matriarchs need to be able to rely on Sons, Brothers, Fathers, and Friends to ground the shared vision in the physical realm, truly understanding what women have been sacrificing their bodies, sanity, and wellbeing for, for generations.
No more of this “Sons are easier to raise” narrative because let’s be real - that was code for not doing the fucking work. We raise Daughters to believe their emotions are burdens, and Sons to not have any. To not acknowledge their emotions, to not understand them, thinking logic is everything (not that they’re taught what the hell that is either, but that’s a different conversation).
This is why we have a dominating class of educated, financially free women ready to do the work! Because we’ve seen both sides - the nurturing ability to empathize with our community while being of service ON TOP of workforce and financial freedom to build dissertations, systems, businesses, and theory that grounds the community in structure. Men may have been given access to the structure-building tools and called it patriarchy, but until they master the ability to SUSTAIN and PROTECT life while keeping their womb envy in check, we have a long way to go.
But again, Bigmomma had goons, and all hope is not lost.
She had a Husband who would shut all this shit down to protect her essence.
She had Sons who didn’t play bout her. Who loved on their Sisters so abundantly, that Daughters were able to be seated in their power; preparation for their turn in being matriarch.
Elders not being able to retire in today’s economy is also reflected in the disconnect found in future matriarchs receiving martyrdom instead of preparation for matriarchy. Elders are transitioning with unfinished work, aging adults are not planning effectively for retirement and old age, young adults are stunted and unable to meet foundational milestones, and our children are slipping through the cracks with this abysmal literacy rate and disconnect from hope, aka the ability to see, touch, and feel how this shit gets better for our community via the track that we’re on.
Our return to matriarchy has a blueprint. Folks had their roles, divination to support the hard parts, and mastery of both sides of the coin necessary for blessed and consecrated bloodlines.
So in conclusion,
we give thanks for the Sons who understand the work that needs to be put in to ensure lineage longevity, of caregiving elders, the sick and differently-abled, of calling to check on folks just because, of maintaining good relationship.
We give thanks for the Daughters saying no. Doing the work of avenging their Mothers, Grandmothers, Aunts, Cousins, and Sisters who accidentally accepted martyrdom because they were told they have no choice but to sacrifice themselves in this misnamed, corrupted structure of patriarch that benefits no one except the 1% - this is how generations of women before you have done, and how you will do next.
Our Babies will be protected.
Our Nieces, Nephews, Niblings will be seated in their power.
Our Daughters will be excited about their destinies.
Our Sons will spread their wings beyond the constricted, tasteless, fuckwad of a mold that was never made for their specific genius.
Our Mothers will rest sooner.
Our Grandmothers will transition with a peace as deep as the oceans, that transcends all understanding.
Our Fathers will pass down joy and lineage secrets to success.
Our Grandfathers will tend gardens, taking extra special care of the food that will feed and nourish their family.
And he’ll love on and cherish the help of his Granddaughter, who will rightfully take her place as matriarch one day with ease, beauty, and health intact.